A couple of new Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ” My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ” Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a sinister silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line.
He says ” OK, now what?”

Along time ago in a far away place their was a little indian boy. One day the little boy wondered who named all the children in the tribe. So he went to his mother and asked, ” Mother, who names all the people in the tribe?” And the mother replied, “the Great Chief of our tribe names everyone in our clan”.

“So the boy went to the Great Chief and asked, Oh Great Chief, how do you name everyone in our tribe?”. The Great Chief looked at the small boy and said in a very wise and mature voice, “My little warrior you ask a good question and I shall answer it.”

“You see, when our tribe is blessed with a new baby I walk outside of my teepee and the first thing I see is what I name the new child.” “If I see snow gently falling I say, your name will be snow gently falling. If I see an eagle in the sky I say, your name will be eagle in the sky. But tell me Two Dogs Fucking why are you so curious?

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pantsand all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents
“Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!

Three bats being annoyed as they have nothing to do in the cave decide to make a competition between them, who will get to drink more blood. The bats come out of the cave and the first bat flew away to find his victims.
At the return, the two bats see his mouth full of blood and ask him
“Wow, how did you do that, where did you got all that blood on your chin?”
The first bat answers: heh, do you see that village over there (pointing to a village)?
The other two bats answer, Yeah.
So the first bat says, well go there and you will find out.

The second bat flew away to find his victims and win the competition, on his return the two bats notice his whole mouth is full of blood so they ask “wohooo, how did you manage that? i think you are the winner damn”
The second bat says: you see that city over there? Well go there, and you will find out.

The third and last bat flew away, full of eager to win this competition. After awhile the third bat returns to the other bats. The two bats remain shocked when they see the third bat covered all over his body with blood. They ask him “wow bat, you are definitively the winner of this competition, now reveal us your secret, how did you manage to beat us up to this level and get covered your whole body with blood?”
The third bat answers: Do you see that street light over there guys?
The bats answer: Yes
The third bat: Well, I didn’t.

Question: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
Answer: The joystick is wet.

A blonde girl keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbor asks her why she keeps doing that.

The blonde girl replies “My computer keeps telling me that i’ve got mail”.

News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading this joke.

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

A thief stuck a gun barrel in a man’s ribs and said “Give me your money!”
The man, shocked by the sudden attack said “You can’t do this; I’m a United States Congressman!”
The thief replied “In that case, give me MY money!”